my phone needs a breathalizer
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
