oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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