4 words: hood of his car
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
