Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
