i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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