I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
