Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You took a bar mat shot.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
