My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
