hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
