Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
