It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
