The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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