I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
