Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
