mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I love having hate sex.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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