Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
