Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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