yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's shark week go big or go home
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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