so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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