yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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