moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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