Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
