Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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