all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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