Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
