My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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