she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
