I am puke
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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