It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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