Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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