The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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