just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
