please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
