Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
