i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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