we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I believe in your delicious
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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