My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
