I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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