So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
