You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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