tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
