Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
