wanna go halves on a baby?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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