im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
