my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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