Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
