you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
