i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
