I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
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