Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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