Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
PANTIES FOUND
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