No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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